If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
