if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
