we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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