cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
