Are we in a gay sports bar?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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