I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
