at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
