i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
