I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
