I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
