Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
