I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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