when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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