They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
