i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
