stop calling my apartment porn island.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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