pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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