I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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