my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
