i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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