I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize