I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
