the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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