I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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