I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
