Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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