my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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