Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
