And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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