i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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