I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
