Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
