Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
