I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
