hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
