The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
