The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
