I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
