my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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