need another drink. this is the easiest way
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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