I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
