The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Randomize
