don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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