I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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