First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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