So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
