then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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