He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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