There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
