His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need to sanitize my soul.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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