Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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