Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
