there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
