I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
