as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize