How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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