you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
