my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
