I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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